Microsoft Announces Beta of Windows TP

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The ITS Connection Online Newsletter

REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.

Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows.

Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data.

Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months.

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day.

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.")

Testers Report Problems With Windows TP Beta

NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive," says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater."

Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom," said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.

Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of tshe water," says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the Carp out of me."

Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.

Microsoft Denies Link to Loss of Programmers

While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C.

Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE.

Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap every error a user may make," and "Anyone who uses undocumented calls is on their own!"

Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. "So far, we have not received a single bug report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see this as a critical market issue."

Microsoft Files Trademark Infringement Lawsuit

REDMOND, WA (APR. 27) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced today that they have filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark Paper Company. The lawsuit claims that Kimberly-Clark has knowingly violated trademark laws in their introduction of Windows TP line of paper products.

The lawsuit names four separate products from Kimberly-Clark: The Windows TP Quilted for home use and the discerning business, The Windows TP Non-Quilted quality bargain brand for general business and office use, The Windows TP "Floppy" Roughness for extended shelf life, and the Windows TP "CD-ROM" Recycled Waterproof Roughness for schools and backpackers.

Kimberly-Clark has acknowledged the lawsuit. In a written statement to the press, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark said, "Our product and computer software are unrelated. While it may be said that both Microsoft's product and ours have similar uses, we believe that they are sufficiently different that both can maintain the Windows TP name without infringement."

A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Our Windows TP product was conceived in the exact same place where the Kimberly-Clark product will be used, and thus is in clear violation of trademark laws. Also, every restroom facility already has a 'Window' in it, and more of these facilities are moving to computer automation.

"We feel that our Windows TP operating system will be in millions of bathrooms within the next year, and there are enough brands of TP out on the market already without adding another which clearly violates Microsoft's trademark."

REDMOND, WA (APR. 29) - Business Day

"Mr Gates has no intention of deifying himself" a Microsoft spokesperson reassured an anxious delegation of meditators to-day.

"It is traditional for the development team of a Microsoft product to include their names and bitmaps in the product. These bitmaps are only made visible through the activation of a 'backdoor' - an unusual combination of keystrokes.

"In the case of TPW (the telepathic version of Windows) the beta waves generated by the meditation activated the word 'beta' embedded in the version number contained in the code. This in turn triggered the release of the bitmap of Mr Gates", the spokesperson ended.

From the explanation given by the delegation it appears that the sudden appearance of the image of Mr 'Bill' Gates led several of the less experienced meditators to believe that they had been made privy to the appearance of the next saviour of the world.

When asked if this problem would be corrected before the product was released, the Microsoft spokesperson said that it was not official policy to comment on unreleased products.

Major Bug with VB-TP During Compilation

REDMOND, WA (APR. 30) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced today that if you thought about the program at all before creating the EXE file, it would fail.

Instead you need to carefully think of only the filename and the concept of compilation in order to get it to compile correctly. It seems that the design mode environment does not clean up after all the stray thoughts.

MS technical support is recommending taking a cold shower during file compilation in order to remain distracted enough for it to work correctly. As an interim bug fix, all VB packages are currently being shipped with a towel.

Reports of users getting severe migraines when double-clicking too often with the MindMouse are unconfirmed. As an interim bug fix, all MindMouse double-clicks should be performed with Metallica playing in the background.

Aluminum foil around the head seems to work, but it doesn't look too attractive. It also adds a whole new meaning to Metallica; but prevents the low-level radiation from the user's Walkman from interfering with the synapse-Windows interface.

April 2004

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